We are introduced to our hero right away at the beginning of this tale. In a world strangely similar to ours. After an extraordinary title sequence mirroring that of Superman’s, we quickly end up on Earth where our hero confronts villains, befriends scientists, falls in love, and conquers overlords with zeal and witty one-liners. Three years after Return of the Jedi, audiences had been waiting for an epic adventure that spans not just galaxies, but universes. The world was NOT ready for Howard The Duck.
Unfortunately this movie was never released on DVD in North America. And since I’ve long ago misplaced my VHS “Super Channel-taped” copy of Howard the Duck, I’m going strictly by memory here.
We meet Howard as he is coming home from what looks like a hard day at work. Through movie poster art and magazines, his cluttered apartment suggests that he is of a parallel “Duck-world”, much like the Planet of the Apes or a live-action 
Anyway, Howard gets “sucked” from his world to ours. He meets Beverly (Leah Thompson) after a run-in with a group of 80’s-era punk rockers overcome by Howard’s mastery of “Quack-Fu”. Beverly introduces Howard to Phil (Tim Robbins!), who works at some sort of science lab that may be responsible for Howard’s arrival on Earth. After an embarrassing scene in which Phil attempts to communicate with Howard by talking like Donald Duck, Howard decides that he is helpless and has no other choice but to go out on his own and find a job working at… a hot tub sauna?! This all leads to Howard eventually getting fired for reasons I can’t recall other than insulting the manager. A manager that didn’t seem to have any qualms about hiring a mutant duckman! So at this point it’s back to Beverly’s apartment for a little girl on duck sex. Only to be interrupted by the arrival of Phil and the introduction of Dr. Jenning (Jeffrey Jones of Ferris Bueller fame). This is the part of the movie that explains…wait a minute! Girl on duck sex?! Hmmm…maybe I should wrap this up now.
So, Dr. Jenning fills us in on the exposition, the whys and hows of the movie. He becomes possessed by a “Dark Overlord of the Universe”, sucks electricity out of a car lighter, destroys a diner, attempts to bring back more Dark Overlords and of course is defeated and destroyed in the process. Howard becomes the manager of Beverly’s band, Cherry Bomb. They have a huge concert and the movie ends with the song, “Howard the Duck”.
Sounds pretty fucking lame, huh? Well it wasn’t all bad. If you ever had the hots for Marty McFly’s mom then you’re in luck because she’s in her underwear in more than one scene. Tim Robbins (who is finally catching up in age to Susan Sarandon) is exceptionally bad (great) as Phil the scientist who is actually a janitor. But the movie belongs to Jeffrey Jones. Best known as Ferris Bueller’s principal (which came out the same year), to many kids my age this guy was a superstar! This guy was gold in any movie that was blessed enough to cast him. Even though now he’s best known (if at all) as that chubby Tim Burton-movie character actor who may be a pedophile, I’m his biggest fan!
Although a critical and commercial failure, it is actually difficult for me to come across anybody close to my age that doesn’t have fond memories of this flick. And you know why? It’s simply because 6 and 7 year olds weren’t reviewing it then. I loved this movie then and I love this movie now. Come on, George Lucas! Release this DVD already! Unless, of course, you have plans on redoing Howard digitally. If so, go fuck yourself! I’m bootlegging.
